Tag Archives: work

Junkyard Blues

22 Oct

I know what I want out of life, but I’m permanently plagued by the question of how to get “there” from “here”.  Part of my problem is that my desires in life are largely abstract, (i.e., I want a sense of community where I live), but the other part is that I honestly believe I could be happy doing many, many things.  I want to write, teach writing, counsel, do pottery, sell crocheted goods, open a restaurant, teach cooking, edit, volunteer full-time, and be a mama.  When it’s time for me to buckle down and devote myself to one thing — so that I can become really good at it — I am soon distracted by another heart’s desire.  

Elliott Smith sang, “I’m a junkyard full of false-starts” and of the many lyrics I’ve related to in my life, (queue seventeen-year-old me reaching through the speakers to hug Stevie Nicks as I hear, “players only looove you when they’re playin’.“) I can relate to being a junkyard the most.  The lyric is beautifully descriptive; you can visualize the broken ideas and abandoned projects becoming decayed with rust and neglect.  

“Here’s the corroded pile of ideas for starting my own line of stationery.”

That idea failed because I don’t know computer-based design well enough.  I didn’t have a good printer.  I didn’t have a screen-printer, for sure.  I would really have loved a letterpress machine… I wanted to make something from nothing, and without investing anything, either.  

It turns out there are very few risk-free hobbies, except for writing, but even that requires an enormous installment of time.  

I know I keep writing about wanting to kickstart my life into creativity, but please bear with me.  Every time I sit at the keyboard and write I’m feeding the right desire.  

So, if sitting at the keyboard and bemoaning my inertia isn’t getting me “there”, what will?  How did you get to where you are?

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Restless

3 Aug

When we packed up and left Hawaii, I put my entire music catalog on an external hard-drive. I have a PC Netbook with very little memory, so the external drive is where all my important stuff lives. I’m really proud of my music collection, and obsess over it a little. So, it bothers me that all my play-counts when back to “zero”. The plan lately is to listen to all my music again.

Ben Kweller is playing right now.

My whole life music has helped me feel connected to the world around me, and kept me from feeling isolated in my misery.  This is a good year to allow music to minister to me again, now that I haven’t got the HD.

::SIGH::

I’m so tired right now.  I’m exhausted with the feeling of obligation that I have.  I’m so tired of making other people happy.  I just want someone to bend over backwards for me, go out of their way, over-extend themselves, and throw me a surprise party. Continue reading