Tag Archives: old

It’s Hard to NameThis Post without Quoting Hootie

30 Nov

My last post was written on Thanksgiving, using the iPad app, and I just realized it never posted. I think I sound pretty ungrateful in it! It’s pretty mind-numbing business being in limbo, and it is difficult to feel anything on a deep level, even gratitude. I sometimes miss the painful feelings of longing I once had at the beginning of this deployment, because even they have subsided and given way to this new-normal. My mind plays tricks on me all the time. It’s impossible to make sense. I crave simple things, and have come to question whether I deserve them or not.

Time has always interested me. It is an illusion, and does not exist in actuality. We like to talk about the “effects of time” when we see rusted vehicles and wrinkled faces. There are also “signs of the times” we mention when talking about violence in the news or hear political rock n’ roll. Sometimes we longingly reach back for “simpler times” as we embellish our pasts and become sentimental for romantic memories that are most often inaccurate. Because time is so illusory, we work so hard to measure it, mark its passage, weigh its value, and schedule within it. If you put five dollars in an envelope and forget to use it, then in twenty years you still have five dollars somewhere. If you put five minutes aside on your calendar and forget to use it, you’re screwed; it’s gone.

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My Perfect Mug

27 Jul

Ten, maybe twelve years ago, I bought a mug from a little cafe in my college town.  My roommate worked behind the counter at this little market-style shop, and we all enjoyed walking downtown for pastries and tea.  They brewed Lion Brand coffee there, too, and I bought a mug with that logo on it.  I loved the coffee, and the classic drawing of the lion’s head. 

Back in those days I would carry my coffee to class with me every day.  I lived about three blocks from campus, so I rarely got ready for school early enough to drink my cup before leaving the house.  My roommate and I savored our morning walks together while drinking our coffee.  We were different majors, so most of our time together was spent in very personal moments, like sharing the first words of the day over fresh coffee. 

Once on campus, this empty mug got thrown in my back-pack.  Many mugs were lost, borrowed, broken, or otherwise misplaced.  Sometimes we splurged on styrofoam cups specifically for walking to school with.  But week after week my Lion Brand mug remained.  Never broken.  Never lost.  Continue reading

Body Moving

9 Jun

My supportive undergarments have begun to fall off, and sadly, I do not mean my drawers.  Since I stopped breast-feeding, and I stopped producing milk, everything went back to normal.  The size “D” I had been flaunting (yes, flaunting), has resumed it’s humble “B” status.  Perhaps two inches lower, and perhaps possibly a “C”, but most certainly not the booming bosom of a month ago.  When it’s over it’s over! Continue reading

Freedom of Choice

25 May

I’m scared to death of my husband spending a career in the military.  It makes me feel like I’m being suffocated, or snuffed out.  Eventually I won’t even exist any more except as Mrs. HD.  

Seven years ago I circled Manhattan in airplane while listening to Jeff Buckley on the plane’s radio station.  He regretted that his lover should’ve come over, and I brimmed with regret for living a thousand miles from a community I loved.  I prayed that the air traffic would send us all the way back to Atlanta instead of for one more loop over Long Island.  It took the wind of me to be so alone.  I didn’t live there long enough to really make friends. Continue reading


20 May

I haven’t been to a concert in a year.  This is officially the longest I’ve gone since being about 15 years old since seeing a live band in concert.  Going to shows was the substance of my social life, period, through highschool, college, and beyond.  After moving to Charleston I began working a 9-5 and HD was on a school schedule so the concert-going began to wane.  Now it’s like we’re completely different people.

The last show I saw was Bon Iver.  He performed his “For Emma, Forever Ago” album.  The HD had fallen in love with the album, but I hadn’t given it my full attention until we were seeing him live.  The album doesn’t incorporate drums into the songs, but on stage he used as many as three drums while performing “Skinny Love”.  It was one of the most emotional shows I’ve ever attended, not to mention I was about six weeks pregnant.

The opening band was Elvis Perkins in Dear Land, who I’d never even heard of until that point.  He was masterful, making new fans out of us.

Since then we’ve moved, HD began his new job, and then Young G was born.  I’ve finally found a babysitter, but can’t get G to take a bottle  yet.

This year just disappeared so quickly.  It sounds like such a long time to say I haven’t been to a show in a year, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve waited that long.  Years are getting shorter.  Then I look at my son and imagine us a year from today.

He’ll be about sixteen months old, and HD will be deploying. And he’ll be gone for one year.

Then I’ll update a blog to say I haven’t seen a show in three years, I’ll have a two-and-a-half year old, and be a combat-veteran spouse.  More gray hairs, more sag in my ass.  Less willingness to stand for three hours to see a band.

Time to seek out the local scene!