Tag Archives: nap

All we need are our arms and hands and lips

15 Sep

Usually when I feel this level of un-rest it’s not in expectation of anything real. I’ll get antsy to the point of paralysis, and my circulation will reduce to whatever is necessary to keep me alive. That’s what it’s like right now; my extremities are tingling, and all I want to do is eat Cheese Its and play Angry Birds. But I have a pretty extensive to-do list. Because this time — this restlessness — is not just for philosophical dilemmas. This time, it’s for a reason.

My dear HD is boarding a plane soon — a couple hours soon — or maybe a helicopter. I’m not sure how the first leg of his journey will begin. His ruck is packed and I doubt he’ll sleep at all. It’s mid-afternoon for me, but his flight takes off at midnight his time. He’ll hop from one country to another, and after about five days he’ll be with me.

I’m paralyzed with anticipation, despite how long my list is of things I want to do to prepare for him. Nothing will be enough. Everything will be wasted, too, though. Nothing is necessary. All we need are our arms and hands and lips.

My mind is dizzy. I’ve gotten quite comfortable with this single life. Not every day is hell, like it once was. Now he’ll be amongst us again. His voice in the air, his smell on my sheets, his touch on my skin. All this but for only a short time.

This really, truly is so much like being pregnant. I feel like I did when my labor was in the early stages. A rush of panic to prepare the last-minute, finishing touches, but a light-headedness that sends me reeling in circles any time I try to stand up.

I’m glad I’m not alone with just the Young G. My mother-in-law is here and was married to an officer for over 30 years (still married, no longer active duty). She knows, if anyone knows.

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Restless

3 Aug

When we packed up and left Hawaii, I put my entire music catalog on an external hard-drive. I have a PC Netbook with very little memory, so the external drive is where all my important stuff lives. I’m really proud of my music collection, and obsess over it a little. So, it bothers me that all my play-counts when back to “zero”. The plan lately is to listen to all my music again.

Ben Kweller is playing right now.

My whole life music has helped me feel connected to the world around me, and kept me from feeling isolated in my misery.  This is a good year to allow music to minister to me again, now that I haven’t got the HD.

::SIGH::

I’m so tired right now.  I’m exhausted with the feeling of obligation that I have.  I’m so tired of making other people happy.  I just want someone to bend over backwards for me, go out of their way, over-extend themselves, and throw me a surprise party. Continue reading

Ignorance

7 Jul

I’m in love with home, and it doesn’t even bother me that both my parents are here together.  I missed the smell of the South East, the sound of cicadas, and the reserved classiness of the Atlantic Ocean.  Normally my parents — who have spent only two occasions together in the last ten years, one being my college graduation and the second my wedding — getting together is a stressful event.  But today I didn’t mind because they were here to just be family.  The Baby is all they care about, and that through me, so them being with their Grandson is all I care about too!

Getting here was arduous, though.  What was supposed to be a mere eight-hour flight became a twelve-hour one, and that only got me to my lay-over.  Fortunately the final leg was a 44 minute hop.  Young G doesn’t like to be held for long periods of time, and he doesn’t normally fall asleep while being held (unless he’s being worn and I’m walking).  So I had to wait until he was too weary to possibly stay awake any longer, at which point my neighbor was thoroughly dissatisfied with her misfortune of being seated beside us.  Well, I assume she was.  She never said one word to me for 12 hours.  Even when we were parked on the ground in Oklahoma City for two hours. Continue reading

Value

27 May

Asleep in my arms on the beach after an afternoon meal.

Priorities

8 Apr

I cannot write.  I can’t think of a single thing worth writing about.  At least, nothing that is longer than a Facebook status update.

First I’m gonna make it, then I’m gonna break it till it falls apart.  Hating all the faking, I’m shaking while you’re breaking my brittle heart.

Young G is napping and I think about sleeping, but shouldn’t I do productive things while he sleeps? There is laundry to do right now. Wash, dry, fold, put away.  I also have a pot of beans to freeze.  “A bag of beans produces about 7 cups of cooked beans.”  This is one of the ways I work to save us money.  I feel like we earn so much, but at the end of the month there’s never anything left.  Because it all goes into savings.  Hundreds of dollars a month is put into savings and IRAs.  Every time HD groans about taking money out of savings we have to say, “that what it’s there for!”

We need to buy my plane ticket home.  I’m not looking forward to flying with an infant, because I’ll be going alone, and probably coming back alone, too.  The HD got his ticket through the Army since part of the trip will be at a conference.  He’s getting to go to more than one conference this year, too.  One is for forensics, and he’ll be gone over his birthday.  His thirtieth birthday! My boy’s growing up. The forensics course is special for the HD because he’s on a select team of forensic dentists here.  Then, over Memorial Day he’ll be in DC at a conference he was nominated for to represent junior medical officers to the joint chiefs, or something.  Finally, in July he’s going to New Orleans for another conference he received a nomination for to represent the Army at large.

None of these conferences include me.  I’m disappointed.  Part of the fun is getting to travel with your husband and stay at fancy hotels and swim in pools.  I’ve done that once, and it was great.  But now it’s too far to fly.  What about the baby? It’s not like we could go out in  the evenings.  It’s just easier if I stay here.  I’m scared that this is the beginning of Diminished Me.  Once the notorious socialite, now the unshowered mom who is freezing beans.

So I think maybe I’ll write more.  I’ve got to stop thinking I’m writing for an audience.  Audiences stifle me, I talk best when I talk to myself, or if I’m talking to you, of course.  Then, just as I think I’ll write more, I think of something else to do… Read a book! Crochet some little things! Start a home business! Find new friends!

There aren’t enough hours in the day to do things and I have no idea how to prioritize things on a list when they all have the same priority.  Nothing is really important when Young G is asleep.  He has what he needs, and nothing else matters.