Breathe

27 May

Insecurities are such a wicked monster.  I felt like Satan himself was smothering me with a pillow and whispering lies in my ear.  Those last two posts were written in tears and genuine fear as I felt all the air leave the room, somehow convinced I was going to disappear.

You wouldn’t know it to read all that, but my husband hasn’t said a single word about staying in the Army for twenty years.  He simply said that a conference was, “enlightening”, but he sounded like his father when he said it.  Since he’s so far away, even he became skewed in my wild imagination.  I began to feel like our marriage was born out of civilian love, and that his military self saw me differently than did the boy who asked me to marry him.  My fears turned everyone against me, even myself.

I found myself obsessively thinking about my personal failure at Life while breastfeeding Young G.  That’s shameful of me, and I confess it with regret.  During times while my child, perfect and at peace, was taking nourishment of body and mind from me, I sat in self-condemnation.  While I was physically in the act of performing my body’s purpose of the highest order, discredited every choice I had made that had brought me to that moment.

God, forgive me.

I spoke with HD casually in the early afternoon, and his voice was so sweet to my ear.  He was not the detached, emotionless tyrant I had victimized my imagination with.  He loves me, all of him loves all of me.  It is not that his artistic self loves me and his military self loves… no one, as I had been repeating to myself.  Later I told him that I had had a dark moment gripped in fear and anxiety, and it was a bad place to walk alone.  But I told him I knew it was all fear.  He understands; fear and anxiety attack his imagination, too.

My BFF told me I could lose myself anywhere. The positive spin being that I can also maintain myself anywhere.

I am God’s masterpiece.  There’s my cold, and broken hallelujah.

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